Contemplating top knots and Bump-Its.
Today was not a bad day. I need to quit beating myself up over things that I cannot change.
I am a clingy person. I attach myself to people, places, things, and situations in order to boost my self-confidence.
People: I fall in love at the drop of a hat because I am afraid to be alone for the rest of my life.
Places: My bedroom is my hiding place. Instead of protecting me, I store all of my negative energy here because I can’t let it go.
Things: I have been sleeping with a cuddle pillow since middle school. Without my pillow, I feel alone and vulnerable as I go to sleep. If I die while asleep, at least I wasn’t alone.
Situations: When I’m confronted with problems, I can’t let them go until I’ve solved them or I’ve had the last word.
I am so self-detrimental that I often cry myself to sleep while worrying about things over which I have no control, and I wake up in a panic because if I don’t control these things they will get the better of me. Most days, I wake up with a defeatist attitude. Yesterday was so bad, why should I make today any different?
I view myself as a valueless person even though my boss praises my work and my ethics, I have two parents who love me very much and would move the Earth for me, and I have wonderful friends that would give blood and bone to save my life. Often, I will ignore phone calls, texts, messages, and other forms of communications from these people because I don’t view myself as worthy of having these people in my life.
Some of my biggest fears include falling asleep alone, dying alone, never finding a lasting love, disappointing the people that I love, not succeeding in my field of work, and committing suicide.
I say all of this just so I can brag about myself because I really need to right now.
At 23, I have lived in 3 vastly different cities where I have meticulously pruned my craft through constant self-teaching, research, tutoring, apprenticing, and trial-and-error. After 5 years of hard work, fighting against the grain, failing out of college, and dragging myself every inch if the way, I am living in New York City (Brooklyn really…) working for one of my idols. Not only that, I am one of only two interns that have been offered employment as well as key holder positions. Other than us, no other employee has had that offer from this designer. Over the past 5 years, I have been in 5 relationships that have ended because the other person could not match what I have to offer. I have never cheated on, lied to, or stolen from a boyfriend. I am a loyal friend, I am unashamed to love, and I am proud of the causes that I stand for.
I know I have my faults, but I am a good and beautiful person and I need to find away to deflect these bad feelings. If you have any help or advice at all, I will gladly listen.
Not just a Two Piece and a Biscuit on this train…
A bit of light reading…
Beautiful Goliathus specimen! Missed my train but this made up for a bad day.
Black Casqued Hornbill, Sacred Ibis, African Spoonbill, Pied Avocet
Quran, learning new culture
💀 Happy Halloween from the House of Macabre 💀
Turn of the 20th c. William Fuld Talking Board + Tarantula specimen
Just bought 2 turn of the century William Fuld Ouija Boards. I’m keeping one and giving the other to a friend in need of witchy things!